warangel634's Xanga

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:44:11 GMT

If you would let me fall in love with you,
I'd for one thing in return -
that you would love me, too.

Nothing Left Inside

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:02:11 GMT

Nothing left to carry me
to glass lying shattered on the floor,
mimicking my broken heart.
Blood drips from his hand
like the tears
I have dammed up are spilling over.
I have nothing left to give.
Medical gauze, hydrogen peroxide,
drops of red blood on the floor...
mop, bucket, water, bleach.
Just missing a needle and thread
to sew up the wounds.
Building emotional walls...
containing all the feelings.
Darkness
like a suffocating prison.
Fragments of glass
still sparkle on the floor.
Reminders.
I have nothing left...
Nothing to clean up the broken glass.

Fears

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:33:11 GMT

I'm having a hard time with this break-up. Maybe it's because I feel like he is struggling to let go. Maybe it's because I care about him on a level I'm not willing to accept. Or, it's just the cold, hard truth. I am not ignorant to the way he treats me. I am not ignorant to what I am giving up. I thought I knew what I wanted. He is so good to me. I figured that's what mattered. Once again, I'm wrong.

I'm haunted by a fear of being stuck - a fear of settling. I'm terrified of waking up in Kenosha, WI one cold, blizzardy winter day and realizing I pushed all my dreams aside to marry some guy. I don't want to live in this area for the rest of my life. I really, really, really, REALLY don't. I don't want to put off getting my masters because I decide to get married to some guy and can't afford it. I don't think I'd ever get it at that rate.

I don't want to be with a man who has no goals - someone who is content to just live. I fully believe life is mean to experience... experience the world and adventures it has to offer. How can one person be conent? Content with no dreams of bettering himself? How can he be content to work as a bank teller living in Kenosha? Now I'm judging - that is rude and unfair.

But it does show our incompatibility. I don't want to be with a man who follows me around, either. I mean, it would be great to find someone who wants to travel, who wants to live in different places, but if it would be just to suit me, it wouldn't be good enough. At the same time, I need someone who will challenge me. If he is content floating in this river... meandering lazily wherever it might or might not take him... he will never challenge me.

I need spontinaity. I need something to work for. I need a challange. I also need to feel the reward of succeeding. I need someone who can take care of me. Sometimes I need a break. Sometimes I need someone else to be the strong one - the one who takes care of me and tells me how things work. I need a companion and a friend.

Conclusions About My Life

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:13:47 GMT

I spent the weekend in St. Louis visiting some friends from college. It's always nice to see them. Visiting is like being at home. I suppose that's because we lived so close together for so long, and spent sooooo much time together. It's different to see Jessi as a wife and mom. I mean, the wife thing is nothing new. I suppose I never felt a change from when her and Ryan were dating and got married. They were the same couple - same as they always had been. Something is different now that they have a baby. It's complete, I guess. I am definitely jealous in my own way. I know I'd make an excellent housewife. I mean, I love to cook and bake, I don't mind cleaning, and I think I'd enjoy having people - husband and kids - to take care of. One problem - I can't find a guy to be with.

I think I'm looking in the wrong place. Either that, or there is something wrong with me. Paul is engaged to the girl that used to beat up on him. If I had to guess, I'd say she still does. It's not the fact that he's engaged that bothers me - I would love to see him happy. What bothers me is that he and every other guy I've dated or been interested in dating seem to marry awful, terrible girls! They pick girls who are controlling, fat, ugly, sluts who cheat, drug addicts, alcoholics, white trash refusing to get a job, etc. And maybe not in ALL cases... but the guys I was serious about... or the ones I really, really cared about... they end up with horrible girls. So, it's one of two things. Either something is wrong with me and these girls are goddesses in comparrison to me... OR I fall for the wrong kind of man. I'm thinking it's probably the latter of the two. However, I also can't be naive enough to believe there is no fault of my own.

On that note, I have Eric. We broke up because, well, it just doesn't work. He is a thirty-year-old bank teller who is completely content right here. He has no obvious attainable goals. He has extreme Catholic beliefs and places his religion at the center of his life. He wants to get married and have kids. How the hell does he think he can handle that?!? I mean, he may be able to with some other girl, but I'm too needy. Kids cost money. For example, Jessi and Ryan lost $2000/month due to the baby... not including food, dr. appointments, diapers, etc. I certainly don't have enough play in my budget to loose $2000 a month for part-time day care! Eric doesn't either, he makes less than I do. I will not be okay raising my children on WIC. Two other problems - I HATE WHERE I LIVE! I will not be content to stay here. This was never my plan - never my goal. I need something different. It's non-negotiable. I will move. I will either plan it out and find a job somewhere else, or I will go on vacation someday and never return. This is NOT the life I want for myself! I'm not content! If Eric is... good for him! I just don't see how I can be compatible with him. When I imagine life with him, I feel a prison. I feel like I'd be closed in and all my options would disappear. That's not okay with me. I really didn't go out of town to decide that... I left because I needed time away from this mundane pattern - something different. Seems I came to some other conclusions as well. How do I tell him these things in a nice way? I can't say them the way I wrote it here. That's just mean.

Broken Up

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 18:12:39 GMT

We finally talked... finally spoke all the unsaid things from over the past week. Some were new. Some were things we started to talk about in the very beginning.

It comes down to one thing: me.

I'm the one who has the issue. I'm the one who needs to change. I am accepting responsibility. I just don't know how to change. I'm lacking those social skills.

Who knows? Maybe I just needed a reason to cry... a reason to let go. Maybe I can start fresh now. Or maybe I just needed the freedom so I can make other decisions without him to worry about.

I really thought I had my footing in this world. I thought I was ready for this. Apparently I was wrong.

Happy Day!

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 14:39:50 GMT

The rain splattered on the windshield while crinkled, worn out leaves swooshed up around my car. They danced on the wind, making way like a curtain announcing my arrival. The darkness of morning coming to an end settled around me. The weight of another gloomy, fall day pressed down. The darkness threatened to remain while the sun pushed its light up behind the clouds. Raindrops appeared in the graying morning - giving a visual effect to rain's music as it drummed on the world around me. Today would be the perfect day to cuddle up under blankets with him and watch movies by the fire. I know he'd hold me, loving me from a distance only he can define. Not really love at all, but a vague caring and desire that sometimes feels like a love... for the most important moments. I miss him too much for my current status. I sway on my feet as I wander toward my door. I've been feeling crappy in the mornings, but this is the worst. I really should check my blood sugar, but I know I'll be fine once I manage to get food inside me. The rain knocks on the sliding door of my office... my task sheet for my staff is finally put together. Food makes my stomach sink with nauseousness. The world presses down on me and spins when I lay my head on the desk. The light of day had barely touched the field outside my building when I curled up in my chair and fell asleep. My staff wandered in, rousing me enough to figure out I feel icky and let me figure out the phone in my back pocket is rather uncomfortable and probably going to leave a bruise on my butt. My phone had a text message from him, "morning." The weight of the morning lifted. Gray light filled the outside, hiding the sun, but day time nevertheless. Sometimes he just knows I need him... I miss him...

Things that Made me Laugh Today

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:34:42 GMT

Bumper Sticker on my way to work:
"DRIVE CAREFULLY: 90% of all humans are caused by accidents."

Text Message while at work:
"A lovin family: A hillbilly was f****** his sister when she giggled. He asked, "What's so funny?" She said, "You **** like dad." He said, "I know. Mom told me."

Horse Show

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:41:26 GMT

Well... I survived my first "real" competition. Didn't win anything... but that wasn't the goal. My trainer was proud of me. She was encouraging me. She was smiling when I was done. She kept telling me good job... didn't yell at me. I'm happy.

Someday I'll start competing for ribbons and money... however, it's just for fun right now... just for the experience.

Autumn Sun Rise

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:17:13 GMT

The steam rose from the lake, dancing in the cool autumn air. The glow in the East turned into a fire, racing across the sky. Colors changed from ashen purple and black silhouettes into vibrant objects full of life. I mindlessly glance down at the clock, as I race against time to be at work by 7:30. Memories of my childhood on Table Rock Lake linger in my mind. It's almost as if I see the Ozark trees and valleys instead of interstate road construction horses and cement blocks.

BAM!

Reality strikes. Suddenly, I'm aware of the day. It's Saturday, October 10. I pull my schedule from the dashboard of my car and flip it over... "Sat. 10/10 1-7." Crap! Why did I think I work 7:30-1:30 the next 2 Saturdays in a row? I had to have written it down wrong... right? WRONG! I called work... just in case. GR! I am right there!

Eh... turn around and drive an hour back home. Now, I've started my day w/ 2 unnecessary hours in the car.

At least I got to watch the sun rise.

Moon Bombing

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 10:30:25 GMT

They have got to know something we don't. I can't imagine any set of highly trained people that work for NASA would do such a thing without knowledge about it. I'm sure... certain they have knowledge we do not... because if so many non-genius type can see the obvious problems with this... there is no way they wouldn't be able to.