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| Totally embarrassed myself on Friday night. I tried to talk with Dustin about "us" and our relationship. Turned into a flood of tears. It shouldn't have been that dramatic. Hurt though. He said he can't commit to me because he can't leave me here knowing he might not come back. I said I can. I told him I can handle deployment. He said he can't put me through that. He said he can't worry about me seeing him come back in a body bag. I guess a whole squad was blown up this week - a squad in the city he is going to. I told him having me here would be good for him - give him a reason to come home.
I can't help it. I'm getting attached to him. I suppose I knew this would happen. I've tried to keep a distance cuz it's impossible to trust some man with my heart. Apparently it didn't matter. Wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew what it is that makes me unwantable. I'd change. I could fix it. Maybe then he'd want to keep me... maybe then he'd have a reason to do everything humanly possible - and beyond, if required - to stay alive over there and come home to me. Come back to me and his puppy dog.
Just a dream, I guess. I'm still not the prize worth reaching for.
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| He drove to my house and picked me up to go eat breakfast.
The man I'm supposed to be dating can't even get to my house without asking for directions. He lives in town. Here.
Matt lives 2 hours away... hasn't been to my house since August... came to get me this morning so we could eat breakfast.
HERE'S YOUR SIGN!
If that guy can't even get to my house and he lives here... it's obviously a slap in the face, screaming that he doesn't want me.
Matt is the type of guy who reads a post that sounds kinda depressed and he calls just to check in. It's no wonder I fell for him at some point in our friendship.
Dustin says these things... acts in this way like he's gonna take care of me... like he wants me to be a part of his life. I do see through it, though. I kinda did in the beginning. I wasn't totally blind. There was just something about the way he touched me, the things he said... finally, he kissed me. It latched on to that moment like it was something worth keeping. I suppose it was just that "rebound" fling I needed in order to except Matt does not and will not ever fall in love with me back. "I don't have romantic feelings for you anymore." Dustin pulled me into his arms, danced with me, made me laugh, never let his friends pick on me, etc. For a little while, I hoped. I dreamed. I surrendered to the thought of him leaving the puppy with me while he deploys to Afghanistan because he is coming home to me. I know better, though. That puts me back to the whole "my parents never wanted me, why would anybody else?" feelings.
I suppose that brings me to the idea of getting an RN. It's not that I want to give up teaching. If I'm going to be alone... I want a life with adventure and purpose... purposeful adventure. I want to go research in another country - or better yet, do medical care somewhere in Africa. If I can't be a wife and a mommy... then I want to take care of other people. People who will need me... or who I'll at least be convinced need me.
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| So I was sitting here... got Bones playing on Netflix... and all of a sudden it finally occurred to me! I know why I have been doing so little at home!
ADD brain thinks about all the stuff I want to do or have to do... and well... unfortunately can't decide. Or I start one thing and start thinking about something else and I try to start it... and OMG!
At any rate... I need to practice some strategies for controlling ADD impulses in myself. Actually... the depression I tend to fight is probably associated with that. When I use strategies to take care of myself maybe the depression will improve too!
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| 6 years ago I graduated college.
1 year ago I graduated grad school with my masters.
I've dreamed about the baby boy... who was never really mine.
He won't remember me now.
Yet I can't forget him.
Love and hope are opposites in my world,
but that little man gave me a hope
...a dream...
that I can't forget.
10 years ago I graduated high school.
Time disappears once you turn 18.
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| Lately I'm in this up and down cycle... Loving my life, yet depressed and unmotivated for at least a few hours of every day. I'm battling as much as I can. I take my PTSD meds. I try to exercise (kickbox video at home) every day. It got rough there when my toe got super infected from that wasp sting. Between the foot swelling and then the stomach cramps from the super-antibiotics they put me on... I just wasn't feeling it.
Overall, I love my job. I love my house. I love my kitty. I'm just lonely. I have Dustin. I really enjoy his company. He often makes me feel cared about. But I'm missing companionship... I'm not feeling that from him. We always have to hang out at his house with his roommates and friends... or at the bar with his roommates and friends. I've never spent more than a few minutes alone with him to go to the car parts store. In my world, that's not a relationship. I suppose the consequences are I feel lonely.
Facebook super puts me down. I'm trying to avoid it for the most part. Everybody is having babies... posting pictures of their pregnant bellies, their ultrasounds, nurseries, baby showers, and newborns. Their are a few stragglers who are just getting married... some of them already pregnant. Then there's Dustin's room mate, whose wife is pregnant. He is so excited about the baby - even though their relationship is probably most definitely over.
I feel so left behind...
questioning what is wrong with me.
wondering why I haven't been wanted.
I can't believe Dustin would actually keep me...
he's leaving for Afghanistan in September.
he's dead set on returning to IL next year when he gets out of the Army.
I feel like I'm wasting time...
with someone who will throw me to the side when he deploys
or throw me away when he decides he must return to IL.
How can I continue to be with someone if I don't believe it will work?
Why would I waste my time... as I am already behind?
But running away would be telling myself I'm not worth it... would be telling him he's not worth it.
How did I get to be here... alone?
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