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| ...is a family."
I imagine I will someday be a foster parent. I wouldn't do it because I want to change the world or because I'm trying to prove something or fix a system gone wrong. I'm simply do it because what I do now breaks my heart.
I care about my boys... even the ones who call me creative names, throw chairs at me, break windows, swear at me, refuse to do school work, etc. Somehow each of them has won a place in my heart. I suppose it's because I know they are good kids. In their hearts, they are great kids.
One of my boys wants a family. His mom is dead and he has no family that could get approved by DCFS. He is ready to begin discharge. His therapist is the one who was arrested for sleeping with one of our clients. She was supposed to be processing his paperwork and sending it to central matching, however, her adventures were far more important than that. Then she was arrested and thrown in jail. My student fell through the cracks; paperwork forgotten. Here we are three months later and central matching has just received his paperwork. However, the chances of them finding a specialized foster family for him are very small. He has to go through a "rejection process" before they will try to match him with a different kind of group home. So now, as if this poor kid hasn't been through enough... and waiting long enough... he has to wait longer, get rejected, and then finally find another group home. All he wants is a family. I think he'd do great in a family setting.
It breaks my heart to know there are kids like him - wonderful kids with tons of potential - who nobody wants.
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| "What the (insert inappropriate word here)?!?!?" today:
1. I called my grandmother to ask her how old my cousin's daughters are. She asked why. I told her it was cuz I wanted to get a family gift for them for Christmas and there was a game at work I wanted to buy. She says, "Are you sure you want to do that?" I was like, "Yeah. Why wouldn't I?" She says to me, "Because they won't do that for you. Their budget isn't there. They really can't get you anything." That comment floored me. I couldn't believe it. So, I told her what was on my mind, "It doesn't matter. I'm not doing it for anything. I just thought since I have a nice discount at the store I work at, I may as well use it. Besides, I've never really gotten them anything. It would be nice to buy them one gift they can enjoy as a family. I don't care if they get me anything. It's not going out of my way to spend a couple bucks on them." I mean, after all... Christmas isn't about getting... it's about giving... and family.
2. My mom says, "I'm going to Rockford tonight and I probably won't be home." I mean seriously! She really does enjoy being treated like scum on the bottom of someone's shoe. I'm starting to think she enjoys having something to complain about. But really? She honestly wants to go spend the night with some guy she has met once. Once. Not only has she met him once, but she has been complaining about him being possessive. Isn't that why she broke up with her last boyfriend? Ugh! She's as bad as my teenage boys. Worse! She's like a teenage girl!!
3. Jeremy, "Sorry. I had a bad day."
Me, "Why?"
Jeremy, "Sister's car broke down. Had to get a trailer and get it on."
Seriously? Seriously? I wish bad day for me was a broken down car. The last bad day I had included being sworn at, called many names, having a chair thrown at me, and restraining a 6'2", 200lb teenage boy or shattered glass all over the place and student's hand dripping blood all over the classroom carpet... or flying chairs and broken hand... plus 5 boys in side rooms and a restraint. You want to complain to me about a broken down car? I wish bad day meant Tara's car broke down. But I listened... and offered my understanding, empathetic words. Blows my mind sometimes. The difference between his life and mine is unbelievable. It stopped me. It amazes me sometimes.
4. (8:41:00 PM) him: how could you ever forget me 
(8:41:10 PM) me: i couldn't!
(8:41:13 PM) him: i could always count on you thats forsure
(8:41:20 PM) me: considered you one of my best friends
(8:41:36 PM) him: i didnt have many close friends ...but you were one most certainly
Reading his instant message... seeing that means the world to me. If you go back, you can find many entries on this man. In college, he was once one of my best friends. Then he got engaged to that girl - that girl who was not good enough for him; at least in my mind she wasn't. I was pissed because she made him give up the one thing he loved more than anything. Of course, I opened my big mouth and told him straight up what I thought. Seemed our friendship ended right there. I made choices to prevent losing him, but I lost him anyway. There's been at least 2 people I've made choices with differently, based on my past experience. One, I lost anyway. The other - well, I don't think it actually mattered what choices I made. I don't think I'd lose him either way. I'm not going to lose him. I can't. Seeing Daniel recognize that definitely healed a hole in my heart... made me feel like I didn't lose one of those super important people I thought I couldn't live without.
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| I'm standing on my own two feet...
I don't need you coming around to knock me down.
I walk alone to the rhythm of your name,
damming tears of lasting pain.
Life is a montage of dreams and shadows.
Shadows of love that never dies
and hearts that will never quite meet the sunlight.
I'm walking on my own two feet
across the rickety bridge you built for me
to find happiness.
But you're holding on...
as if to a thread that unravels as I walk away.
Stopping is the only way to remain whole.
And so you find me here...
Standing.
Standing on my own two feet,
trying not to fall as I dodge your hand
reaching out to me.
Hands
I discover are waiting to catch me.
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| I went to the TGIO party last night. Can't believe it's the last one. It's always sad when something ends. It's been running since 1971 and 2009 was the last year. I would take over if I didn't live so far away.
Sometimes you look at something... life plays in slow motion as it comes to an end. You wonder if you put enough time into it... wonder if you enjoyed it as much as you should have. Suddenly realizing the answer is no... you vow never to take a moment for granted again, always enjoy life to the fullest, and give all you have to the most fun opportunities there are.
Then, you spend an hour or so (sometimes days) sulking that it's over. You remember your friends.
Unfortunately, Halloween will never be the same again. It will always be missing something. Haunted Houses are fun, but not quite as much fun as when you're the spook haunting it.
Life changes from every adventure you have...
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| So I've been out in the city twice before this. Once was a teeny-tiny hole-in-the-wall with karaoke and board games. Twice was two weeks ago at this little martini bar. It was laid back, people talking, drinking, and a little bit of dancing. Last night was, I suppose, what going to a club in Chicago is all about.
Picture this. The bar is packed and in full swing by 6:30. It's near impossible to walk, let alone find friends.
I'm there less than an hour, being pushed/pulled up onto the stage w/ the pianos. I decide to look up at literally hundreds of faces watching. WATCHING. The first thought that went through my head was, "I'm having fun dancing, why aren't you?"
I ended up dancing until I left @ 12:00, couldn't understand why so many people just stood there watching and drinking. I don't get why people bottle up and refuse to dance. I mean seriously, everyone dancing was smiling, singing, and laughing all night, but every time I danced on that stage and looked at the crowd, the majority of those people were standing there w/out a smile on their face. I just don't get it.
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